Happy Birthday, sweet boy! One year ago today you came into our world and changed me forever. You made me a mommy.
We did not know until you were born whether you were a boy or a girl. I had a dream that you were a girl and I was so sure that I even bought a madras plaid dress and brought it to the hospital to bring you home in! Don't worry, you did not have to wear the dress, lots of people came to visit you and brought little boy clothes in the perfect size for a preemie.
They called you a preemie because you were born four weeks early after 36 weeks in mommy's belly. You got to come early because my blood pressure was rising very high and the only way to make it stop was for you to make your arrival. You were born on May 10th, 2012 at 8:30am at Southern Maine Medical Center in Biddeford, Maine. Dr. Bittler and Dr. Manning delivered you. You were 4lbs 5oz and 17" long. All the nurses remarked about how perfect you were, just a perfect tiny baby boy. You were so healthy that you did not have to go to a special place to get care, you came right up to the room with mommy and daddy and stayed there.
Your Grammy and Grandpa Lewis were there waiting to see you and your Mimi and Bapa Hundley were on a airplane coming to Maine just to celebrate your arrival. What a special guy you were! There was always so much love surrounding you wherever you went. You were the first grandchild on the Lewis side and the first grandson on the Hundley side. You were kind of a big deal from the very start.
You were born the Thursday before Mothers' Day and you were the best present I could have ever imagined. I am so glad you came a month early so we could share a Mothers' Day together. I had no idea you would be back in heaven before Mothers' Day came around again.
Since you aren't here we are very sad. I have been crying a lot lately because my heart misses you so much. Last night your dad and I were out shopping and I picked up things to make a scrapbook of your life. I would have wanted to do it if you were still with us but it seems so much more important now. I want to remember every little thing about you and I want other people to remember you too. If God decides to bless us with other babies, we want them to know about their big brother, Jack, who lives in heaven. You will always be a part of our family, sweet boy. You are our first child. Our first born son.
After shopping we wanted to go to Chipotle for dinner. We went out for mexican food all the time before you were born. We used to joke that you would come out wanting guacamole, rather than milk, in your bottles. But just before we walked in the door, another mommy and daddy walked in holding a little boy who looked like he was about how old you would be if you were still here. They looked so happy together, the three of them, like some kind of team and they were the only members. I looked at the long line and decided it would make me too sad to look at that little boy with his mommy and daddy, so we left. We went to a different restaurant and sat down to eat. When we were almost done with dinner, another mommy and daddy sat down next to us. They also had a little boy with them. He wouldn't stop waving at us, even though I tried not to look at him, so I asked his mommy what his name was and how old he was. Griffen was 13 months old. He would have been in your class in school. He was very cuddly with his mommy and she said he was snuggly all the time. I got very sad all of a sudden and had to run outside to cry. I want so badly for you to be my snuggly little boy, just like you were 7 months ago. My arms are so empty without you, buddy. My heart hurts so much.
Do you remember how I used to rub my face against your soft cheek and whisper, "Mama, loves you" over and over until you settled down? I wish I could do that every single day. I think about you all the time, every day. Lots of my friends have babies and little guys the same age as you. I love to hold them and snuggle with them. Lately though, they all remind me that you are missing from our home and our arms.
Would you please do us a favor and put a bug in God's ear about sending us another baby? We would just love twins, actually. What? Oh no, not a real bug. That's a saying, like tell Him something or give Him an idea. We never did get around to reading Amelia Bedelia books about the danger of being too literal, haha.
This feels pretty good, to write a letter to you. Maybe I will send you some more letters. I can fill you in on what is going on with your Mommy and Daddy down here on Earth.
Until then, Happy First Birthday, John Donald Lewis. We love you so very much, Jackie boy. I hope you have a wonderful day in heaven. Since you are in paradise, I would imagine most days are, well, perfect.
I hope you don't miss me as much as I miss you. I could not bear to know that your heart breaks like mine, every minute of every day. But because of our faith, we know that heaven is a place with no more hurt, suffering, pain or tears. So I know you cannot feel the way I feel. Just know that Daddy and I are slowly making our way to where you are and someday we will spend all of our birthdays together, for the rest of eternity.
Mama loves you, mama loves you....
