A Big Brother in Heaven

Dear Jack,

Your daddy and I have some very exciting news to share with you, although you probably know already.  You are going to be a big brother!

We are thrilled that God has answered our prayers and sent along another baby to fill our arms and our home.

As soon as we found out, a sort of peace came over me and I could see you beaming down from heaven with your big gummy smile and bright baby blue eyes.  I had known that you were happy in heaven.  This was the first time I could actually FEEL in my heart just how happy you are.  I imagine you telling all of your angel baby friends how proud you are to be a big brother.  Just knowing your daddy and me, I am sure you have all kinds of friends up there.

I know that you don't want us to be sad that you won't be here to welcome your baby brother or sister on their birthday.  I have to tell you that I do get sad though, Jack. I get sad that this baby will not get to know you and watch you as an example of how to walk, hug, swim or read.  I get sad that we could not put you in a shirt that says "I'm the BIG Brother" to announce our news to all of our friends and family.  I get sad thinking that you will never share a bunk bed with this little one or wait for the school bus together.   I get sad thinking about the trips we will take together as a family without you.

We will always miss you, Jackie boy.  No matter how much we love this baby (and it is going to be A LOT of love), we will never ever forget you.  We will never love you any less.  We will never stop wishing you were with us here and now.

Before I spiral into despair, I turn my thoughts upward.  I read a book (OK, I listened to part of it on Audible.com) called Heaven by Randy Alcorn and he found Scriptural evidence that souls in heaven DO know what is going on down here on Earth. (Revelation 6:9-10)  Knowing you are able to check in on us just sets my heart at ease.  I love that God doesn't make us guess about Heaven, it's out there for anyone to read about.  What a gift for anyone of us who feel like we've been left behind.

I know that you are overjoyed to be a big brother even if you won't be physically here with us.  You will always be a part of our family.  We will always have your smiling pictures up on the walls with the rest of the family.  Your siblings will know they have a big brother who lives in Heaven and is waiting to meet them some day.  How fun will that be?  I find myself looking forward to Heaven all the time now.

But I will stay right where God has me for now.  We are doing everything we can to get ourselves ready for your sibling: mentally, physically and spiritually.  We promise to teach your siblings about where you are and in whose arms - the arms of our Lord Jesus.  Your dad and I will raise your brothers and sisters to love God, family and their neighbors, with all their hearts.  Then some beautiful day, we will all be together again.  We will get to spend ETERNITY getting to know you and playing together.

Until then, baby boy, give my love to all of our friends and family up there and please thank Jesus for sending us another baby to love here on Earth.  Please ask God to help us to navigate this new joy in the midst of our continuing grief.  We are trying to make sense of everything we feel but it is complicated and so new to us.

I love you and miss you more thank you can ever know-

Mommy

Facebook is Different for a Grieving Mother.

Facebook has been a real challenge for me since we lost Jack.  You can probably imagine that it has been painful to watch other babies and children hit milestones that Jack never achieved here with us: sitting up, crawling, walking, turning one.  I know that list will grow over the years, as we watch our friends' children grow up right before our eyes.

Facebook has not only showed us the healthy children we know, though.  I have had so many sick babies come across my newsfeed.  These babies are all across the country.  They are struggling with cancer, heart defects and rare genetic disorders.  Their families have started Facebook pages to generate awareness for their baby's cause and to ask for prayer from anyone who will offer it.  These children have thousands of people following their every development and praying for them every step of the way.  Why didn't I think to do this?  We could have had thousands of strangers praying for Jack, for a miracle.  Would it have made a difference?

As I prepared to go to a writers’ conference a few weeks ago, I felt God pulling on my heart to share Jack's story and our own.  I want his life to be meaningful and for the world to be a better place because Jack was here.  The attendees of this conference are all on a private Facebook page sharing information and encouragement as we prepared for the conference.  Some women shared prayer requests, as we are a group of faith-filled women.  One morning, as I was scrolling though the new posts, I came across a request for prayer for a sweet baby boy.  He was in an accident and had suffered brain trauma.  His parents were praying for him to show signs of improvement in brain activity that morning, as the doctors prepared to test him.  There is a picture of this precious baby in his ICU bed, on a ventilator, with his parents by his side, terrified but determined to be brave.  His puffy face looks to be asleep while tubes and drips and lines swirl around his still little body.  

When I look at this photo I see Jack during the last few days of his life.  I see Josh and I standing by his bedside begging God to let Jack wake up and show us he is still in there.  I see myself, convinced that each day he is coming back to us a little big more.  That ICU room was our home.  That baby was our son.  I cannot tear myself away from these stories, even though they hurt my heart.

So I pray.  I cry and beg God for a miracle, for this sweet baby to wake up and come back to his mommy.  And then I pray for his mom, to be able to soak up every single minute she has with her son on this earth.  I prayed that the Holy Spirit hold her up as she goes though these days.  I pray that there will be angels among her nursing staff, as there were among ours.  I pray for her marriage and that she and her husband stay dedicated to each other no matter what comes.  I pray that they remember that nothing will be easier or better if they split apart and grieve the loss of their marriage on top of everything else.

And then I stop.  Will my prayers make a difference for this boy?  What about the scripture I have been clinging to these past 10 months?

“Your eyes saw my unformed body;

    all the days ordained for me were written in your book

    before one of them came to be.”

Psalm 139:16

I have been able to keep walking though each day of my life since October 6, 2012 because I believe that God knows how many days each one of us has and nothing can change the length of our time here.  That is the only thing that keeps me from living like a helpless victim: a woman whose baby was stolen from her tragically and far too soon.

But I also believe in the power of prayer.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Philippians 4:6-7

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.”

Matthew 7:7

Would it have made a difference if I had made a Facebook page for Jack and generated more prayers for a miracle?  Would he have lived?  I was so private during that month in the hospital.  It took me until the last week of his life to finally start a Caringbridge page to keep close friends and family in the loop about his health.  What if I had shared the photos I took of his little body, fighting septic shock, fighting for his life, as he appears to be sleeping soundly.  Would a miracle have come?  Would Jack still be with us today?

Ultimately, I can't afford to spend too much time wondering.  If I want to keep stepping into each day and choosing to live, I have to believe that Jack was with us for just as long as God had planned.  I have to believe that he completed his mission here on earth.  I have to believe that I will hold my sweet baby again one day in heaven.  And I have to believe the same for each of these sweet babies that pop into my newsfeed.  They will be held in their mothers’ arms for eternity.  

I can pray for a miracle.   I can pray for anything, as long as I understand that a prayer is not an order to God, it is a request.  And God may not answer my prayer in the way I expect Him to answer.  That does not mean it that He is not good and loving.   The most effective prayer I can pray is for their families to know God and to feel His love and know His plan for all of their lives.  I know that God will take care of these babies.  I pray their parents will allow God to comfort them as well.