He is soooooo happy in heaven!

Tonight I cried at a Longhorn Steakhouse.

I let myself really feel my sadness today.  This is not easy for me.  I like to be happy.  I like to pretend everything is better than it is.  I like to look like I have it all together.

I was supposed to go to a dear friend's baby shower this morning.  I really wanted to go.  I wanted to be able to be happy enough for her to overcome my sadness.  I wanted to go to a party and celebrate.  I wanted to take Jack with me and smile and laugh.  But I could not.  I felt the tears in my throat early on today and I just knew if I went to an event celebrating all of the excitement and anticipation of a new baby...I knew I would cry.  The last thing I wanted to do was be a dark cloud over the party or take the attention away from my friend.  So I stayed home.

I crawled into bed and pulled the covers over my head and I played Words With Friends until I fell asleep.  While I was hiding in bed, Josh and his dad cleaned out the nursery and moved everything into storage.  I was not sure if it would be worse to look at the empty crib all day or for the house to look like he had never been here at all.  I decided it was better for it to go....while I was not watching.

Eventually Josh coaxed me out of bed.  We are learning that we grieve differently.  I want to barricade myself in the house and Josh wants to get out and go.  So we went to dinner at Longhorn Steakhouse and when I excused myself to the ladies' room it happened.  I overheard a little girl saying "I love you, Mommy.  I just love you so much."

And it hit me.  I never got to hear Jack say that to me.  And on this Earth, Jack will never tell me he loves me.

I didn't cry right away.  I tried to be OK.  I went back to the table and it was 10 minutes before the tears started flowing.  I am just so sad.  It is a physical sadness; a heaviness, it is hard to breathe, my heart actually aches and my arms feel empty.  I miss my baby.  I just want Jack back.  I want my baby back.

And I am going to let myself feel sad.  Because if I don't really feel this now,  I have been told that it will find me down the road.  It could affect relationships or even harden my heart.  So I am grieving today, even at the Longhorn Steakhouse.

But there is hope in the sadness, too.  Just yesterday my sister-in-law sent me a text that made me smile in my heart.  A three year old girl that she nannies for found Jack's prayer card with his picture on it and she asked who it was.  Katie told her that it was baby Jack and he lives in heaven.  The little girl got very excited and told Katie that he is soooo happy!  She went on and on talking about how he is going to be happy forever.  Later in the day she was rocking a baby doll singing "Jesus Loves Me".  She was talking like she knew Jack and she had a conversation with him.  She really wanted to take Jack's picture home because she "loves him so much" and he is sooooooo happy.

I wish I had been there to hear that little girl talking about how happy Jack is but just hearing the story is enough to remind me that Jack is in heaven and I will see him again some day.  And I will keep reminding myself of that when I hear little kids loving their mommies.  I will get my Jack loves in heaven and it will be perfect.