Mornings.

Mornings are usually easier than the afternoons or evenings for me lately.  Something about the fresh start and a chance to start over again makes the mornings so attractive.  I find myself looking forward to the morning as the sun starts to set on the day.  Now that the sun is setting earlier, I want to crawl in bed earlier too.  I want to sleep and forget. 

The nights are difficult because I had spent months of Jack's life just wishing for a full night of sleep.  I used to bargain with God for Jack to sleep through the night.  Josh and I would make deals about who would get up each night.  I would find myself day dreaming about just how much money I would pay to sleep through the night.

And now,  I would give anything to be awoken in the night by a hungry baby.  I would love to wake up at 3am and snuggle in to feed him, feeling like the only two people in the world.  I would be thrilled to be sleep training, trying to let him "cry it out".  I wish with everything I have, that he was teething .  I would trade just about anything for that.  I am not saying that those times are easy for my mommy friends.  Far from it.  But I would take it in a heart beat to have my baby back.

But back to this morning...I love the mornings.  I wake up and pour a cup of coffee and then I sit on the couch with my Bible and start my day with God.  Someone once told me her days are better when she "exchanges whispers with the Lord before shouts with the world."  I used to do this before Jack was born, and I would read aloud a psalm, proverb and chapter of the Gospel for baby and doggie to hear. I am taking that challenge again since Jack left us.  I am finding comfort in my mornings once again. 

I want to know more about God and His character, who He is and what He says.  After all, we Google potential babysitters, I figure it should know as much as possible about Jack's Heavenly Father!

Today Josh and I headed out to the gym before work.  Afterward, I was driving back home, listening to KLOVE on the radio, and thinking that I felt happy.  I felt happy and hopeful and thankful. 

And then I drove past the cemetery where Jack's grave is.

I try to remind myself that Jack is not there.  Jack is in heaven.  What is buried there is only his earthly shell.  But then my mind takes off thinking about him being there, in the cold ground.  Alone.  And his mother just drives right on by a few times a day.

I tried going there once so far.  It was too awful.  I left in under a minute.

We buried him with his best friend (Oliver the Octopus), his favorite book (Snuggle Puppy) and his soft white blankie.  Even though I know it is not him, I still wanted him to be surrounded by familiar things.

And that is the wrestling match that goes on in my heart.  I believe Jack is whole and healthy and happy beyond my understanding in heaven.  I really truly do.  But when I think of his body left behind, I feel terrible.  Sick.  So very sad.  I feel like I did not do enough to protect him.  I feel like I should be doing something even now to help him.  People tell me those things are not true...they come over me anyways in unexpected waves.

So I drove the rest of the way home, sick to my stomach.  I was so sad and could not believe the sadness had come on me so early today.  How would I get through a whole day if i was this sad now at 8am?

When I was opening the shades in my living room, a book on my shelf caught my eye.  I am not sure why.  It has been sitting there on the shelf, unopened for 18 months.  It was given to me two years ago when I attended my first church service at Moody Church in Chicago.  The book is called, "One Minute After You Die" by Erwin Lutzer.  It walks the reader though what the Bible tells us about death and eternity.

What a perfectly timed blessing. 

Two years ago, I thought this was a terribly morbid book to hand out to church visitors.  Today, it is exactly what I am searching for.  I want to know everything possible about where Jack is, what he is experiencing and what God has prepared for me, as well.  And here is a book that will tell me just that.  Just when I need it.  God truly is walking with me even today.

I cannot wait to dive into this book today during my lunch break.

I have heard that there are no such things as coincidences, they are just God's way of remaining anonymous....I believe that.