Keeping Jack Alive.

I was scrolling through Facebook late last week when I saw a someecard that brought me close to tears.

Before Jack was even born, the thing that scared me most about being a mother was this awesome responsibility to keep my new baby safe and alive.

What I have learned about myself over the years is when I am not trusting God to take care of everything, I feel like I need to do it all myself.  I decide to play God and try to fix, manage and control everything. So instead of trusting God to take care of me, Josh and baby, I allowed fear to consume me about how I would handle it all myself. 

I know this cartoon is meant to be funny and cheeky.  If I were losing sleep at night because of a teething baby or Jack had just started crawling and pulling every cord out of the sockets, I probably would have "liked" it too.  I know that no one who posted was even thinking about anyone who could be hurt by it.  I absolutely am not suggesting that people walk on eggshells around me either. 

But it hurts because I did not keep Jack alive.

In fact, after months of fighting for him and enlisting every doctor, therapist or specialist we could find. After 31 days in the hospital, three surgeries, 2 weeks of intubation, EEGs, MRI, seizures and severe septic shock...

On a bright blue morning like any other, we were told that his condition was "not compatible with life".  There was nothing more that could be done.  He would die today.

It was unreal.  This was not supposed to happen to us.  This happened to other people but not us.  We are "good" people, "good" parents.  We go to church.  We pray together.  Thousands of people had been praying for Jack's healing all month across the world.  God HAD to work a miracle on Jack, he just had to.  I was convinced that that would be the only way He could show His power and goodness to all who were praying for Jack.  But God had a different plan.

This was not fair.  We have things to do as a family.  We are going to take an adorable Christmas card photo.  We needed to teach him to ride a bike.  I need to dance with Jack at his wedding, I had been praying for his future wife, what would happen to her?  How could I have failed Jack and let this happen to him?  I am his mom, I am supposed to make everything OK.

We were led back to the ICU to Jack's room.  My darling baby who had been hooked up to so many machines and tubes the last time we saw him, was wrapped in a swaddle with only his ventilator tube still hooked up.  We were told we could spend as much time as we wanted with him and when we were ready they would come in to give him a shot of morphine and remove his breathing tube.  It could take minutes or hours for him to stop breathing.

Josh and I were joined by both of our parents as we cried, sang and prayed over Jack.  We could not believe what was happening.  We had not woken up this morning thinking this was even a possibility for today. 

I settled in a rocking chair and prepared to hold my sweet baby for the first time in a week.  When babies are on ventilators, it is not safe to hold them because the tube can slip out easily.  Weeks earlier in our stay I had asked about that and was told they only allowed parents to hold their babies if they were not going to live.  So I never again asked to hold him while ventilated.  But here we were, holding Jack, singing "Jesus Loves Me" to him, telling him how very much we loved him.  I wept and told him how hard we had fought to keep him with us and how very much we would miss him.

And then it was time to remove his breathing tube and let him go home to Jesus.  My sweet baby boy only took a few breaths on his own before he left us.  My worst nightmare from the past 5 months had come true.  Jack died because he could not breathe.  And he died in my arms.  I could not do anything to save him.  I could not keep Jack alive. 

I held him for a long time after he left.  I just could not let him go.

I think the reason I am writing this blog and opening up about these deeply personal things, is to keep Jack alive in a different way.  To keep his memory alive.  To encourage others who have lost a child or even those who feel lost themselves. 

I may not have been able to keep Jack alive here on Earth but there is one who paid the ultimate price so we can all live forever in heaven.  Jesus Christ.  I am drawing as close to the Lord as possible these days. I know Jack is alive in heaven even now. 

If Jack's life can encourage even one person to draw closer to Christ and put their trust in Him, I will be eternally thankful.  I will do whatever I can to keep Jack's legacy alive and point people to the merciful God who took Jack home to heaven before he had to experience any more pain and suffering in this life.  God is working everything for good, even Jack's short life and our painful loss.

^"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28)