I'm Still Researching Daycare.

Before Jack was born, my biggest stress was what we would do with Jack after I went back to work.  I was so worried.  I desperately wanted to be a stay at home mom but we could not swing it yet.  We planned to have me work for another year and then stay home full time and work on my Stella & Dot business part-time.

After pretending for a number of months that it wasn't happening, I threw myself into researching all kinds of option for child care.  I talked to anyone I could think of who worked and had kids.  I googled and found there are many, many options.  Would we want home care or a larger corporate environment?  Should we interview nannies and have one come to our house?  What about sharing a nanny with another family, like my friends in Chicago do? How would we know who we could trust?  All I could think of was every 20/20 episode I had seen involving nanny cams....you can imagine what I was thinking.

Eventually, God answered the whole issue for us.  Josh's mom was unexpectedly let go from her job just in time to take care of Jack.  It was perfect.  Everyone was a winner.  I could rest easily knowing he was safe and only 100 yards away.  Grammy got to spend all day with her favorite (and first) grandchild.  And Jack got to be snuggled, cuddled, sang to, and generally loved on by his grandparents.  I even got to take my lunch breaks and walk down the street to see him.  At the time, all I wanted was to be the one spending all time with Jack.  I actually was jealous of my dear mother-in-law.  Looking back, it was the best possible situation.  We were all blessed for the month that I worked, before we went into the hospital.

So, here we are.  I am back at work in the same home office that doubled as a nursery for a short time.  I am back to working though lunch. But that being said, I have not stopped researching Jack's day care.  Now I spend my free time trying to find out everything I can about heaven.  I want to know every perfect detail of the place where my son waits for me to finish my work here on earth. 

I just finished a wonderful book last night "One Minute After You Die" by Erwin Lutzer.  Pastor Lutzer takes all of the different Scriptures and brings them together to give us a clear picture of what God says about death and eternity.  It was wonderfully comforting to me.   I believe the Bible is God's inspired word, that Jesus Christ is His son & He died to save my soul.  I take God at His word, so it was amazing to read through exactly what happened when Jack went to heaven.  He was escorted by an angel and brought directly to Jesus to be welcomed.  I can only imagine how wonderful that must have been.  I know he is not sad to be separated from us because he now understands much more about God's great plan than we do.  He knows how much I love Jesus and that because of that love, I will join Jack there soon enough.

One specific passage in the book really helped explain what has happened within me.  (I did not get permission to use this.)

"The death of an infant, however, causes all of us to struggle with the will and purpose of God. It seems strange that God would grant the gift of life and then cause it to be snuffed out before it could blossom into a stage of usefulness.  But we can be sure that there is a purpose in such a life, even if it is not immediately discernible.

James Vernon McGee again says that when a shepherd seeks to lead his sheep to better grass up the winding, thorny mountain paths, he often finds that the sheep will not follow him.  They fear the unknown ridges and the sharp rocks.  The shepard will then reach into the flock and take a little lamb on one arm and another on his other arm.  Then he starts up the precipitous pathway.  Soon the two mother sheep begin to follow and afterwards the entire flock.  Thus they ascend the tortuous path to greener pastures.

So it is with the Good Shepherd.  Sometimes He reaches into the flock and takes a lamb to Himself.  He uses the experienced to lead His people, to lift them to new heights of commitment as they follow the little lamb all the way home."

That passage hit me deep inside.  God sent Jack to us for a short time and took him back home to Heaven so that WE would follow him along the "tortuous path to greener pastures".  I want that to be true for me and my loved ones...heck everybody reading this!  That would be the best possible reason for Jack to have been here with us for such a short time.  He was sent so that more of us will join him for eternity with Jesus Christ!

 When I think of everything in that context, with my sight on eternity, the constant weight of my sadness is lifted.  I feel lighter and brighter.  I am excited about God.  I feel although God truly has "lifted me to new heights of commitment."

Heaven has never seemed more real to me.  It HAS to be real.  That is where my son is.  It is a very real place and I will be there someday.  Not because of any actions I have done or haven't done but because Christ died for the sins I have committed and those I have yet to commit.  What a beautiful gift.  Praise God!  I do not have to fear death anymore, because I know I will go home to be with Jesus and Jack in heaven for eternity.  Amazing.

I did not feel this strong conviction before Jack went to heaven.  In fact, I struggled with postpartum. depression after Jack was born.  I remember telling my friends that I felt as if God had abandoned me.  He seemed so far away.  I felt like He didn't care about me anymore.  I stopped reading my Bible or praying very much.  I found myself too busy to get to Bible Study, check in with friends or make it to church.  I was very much isolated and empty.

I have also spent lots of time fearing the end of the world.  I was overly interested in the 2012 theory for a couple of years.  I even went to see the 2012 movie on opening night, thinking it might share some crucial understanding of how to prepare.  It did not.  I was afraid.  I did not really trust God to look out for my best interests.  I was unworthy of that.  I was terrified of the unknown. 

For me, it took the unthinkable tragedy of losing my first born son to truly realize that I am not the one in control of life; mine or anyone else's.  When I give up control, I do not have to stress so much about things not going according to MY plan.  Nothing about the last 7 months has gone according to MY plan.  Not pre-eclampsia, not placenta previa, not bed rest, not a c-section, not a premature delivery, not a month in the hospital with my baby and certainly not burying him a day after he turned 5 months.  But it took all of that to bring me to a place of peace and trust in the Lord.  To a place where I truly do not fear anything today.  I have conceded that God is Sovereign and nothing happens in this world that is not under His control.  There is amazing peace that belief.

I have not completely given up on giving God advice, however.  Yesterday, I went for a jog, and I use that term loosely these days.  I went out to St. Ann's by the Sea where we had Jack's funeral.  It was my first time there since that day.  I sat on the rocks, looked out at the ocean and talked to God.  I told him all about what Jack likes: cuddling, Eskimo kisses, saying "ah-gooooo", singing Snuggle Puppy or Jesus Loves Me.  I really wanted to make sure He understood that Jack comes from two major huggers and that it was very likely that Jack would need lots of hugs, too.  I wanted to make sure Jack was getting enough hugs in heaven. 

Then I wept.  I wept and told God all of the things I wish I could do with Jack: teach him to sit up, how to eat bananas and avocados, teach him to ride a bike, blow bubbles, tie his shoes, teach him to pray before bed and kick a soccer ball.  I cried because those are things we did not get to do together.  I let God know just how deeply sad I was for that loss.  And then, I felt a little bit lighter.  I got up, and went back to work for the afternoon.  So, in a way, I suppose I called Jack's day care to make sure they knew just what he liked and that he is being well cared for until I can pick him up again.  And that makes me feel just like a mom.