Mommy's Little Turkey.

I had all kinds of good intentions of writing some kind of inspiring Thanksgiving Day blog post.  But the day came and went and I could not bring myself to do it.  I am grateful for a lot of things. But I also want to be real.  My heart hurts that Jack was not wearing these jammies last week.

I am a sucker for jammies with a character on the tush.  I may be biased but I think Jack had the cutest tushie I had ever seen.  I used to say he had "the cutest tush on Barbra Bush".  (Important context note:  Barbra Bush is what they called the children's floor of Maine Medical Center, because she is a major benefactress and fundraiser, FYI.)

Anyway, I love this kind of outfit and even better if they have an animal on the feet, too....these said "Mommy's Little Turkey" on the front.  My mom and I went out from the hospital one night in September to Macy's at the mall.  In the two weeks since he had been admitted, Jack had outgrown all the clothes we had for him and we needed to buy more.  This one snapped up, rather than zipping, because we needed to be able to thread a feeding tube, EKG sensors and his pulse/ox though the snaps.  That kind of consideration had become the norm.  Thanksgiving was a long way off but since Mimi was buying, I picked up this darling outfit in 9 months size.  I just hoped it would fit him when the end of November came along....

I had visions of Jack wearing these jammies in Wisconsin, surrounded by my family, being cuddled, doted on and photographed incessantly.  I thought a lot about these jammies last week.  They are packed away in one of the many giant Rubbermaids containing all of Jack's things, hidden at a friend's summer home.  I have not been able to pack away my dreams and expectations so easily.

I was blessed to be able to visit so many good friends in Chicago and Milwaukee last week.  Four of my dear girlfriends all had sons within months of Jack's birth. Last week I was able to hold each one of those sweet baby boys in my arms.  I think my friends may have been nervous about how hard it would be for me to see their babies.  The way I tried to explain it is this: I still love babies.  I still love my friends.  I want to be a part of their lives and families as much as I was before October 6th.  It hurts me far more to think of being left out of gatherings with kids present or that people would not call me and tell me about the biggest thing in their lives. their kids!  I am still Katie and I am still your friend.  If anything, I want to hold your baby more now, because my arms ache so much for Jack.   I love babies and I pray that God will bless us with more and soon.

So, last week, when Noah threw up on me, I loved it.  When Peter wanted Josh to hold him instead of me, I was happy, because Josh misses holding his son, too.  Nick reminded me the most of Jack and snuggling with him was bliss.  When Charlie got fussy and I was able to feed him rice cereal with a spoon, I did think about how I never got to do that with Jack...but it was so good to be around a happy and healthy baby boy.  I do get a feeling the day after spending lots of time with babies, I call it an emotional hangover.  I feel the loss more acutely and the silence at home seems louder.  But just as I used to willingly suffer the aftermath of a good frat party, I willingly go back for more cuddly baby time.

As I listen to Christmas music while I work and get ready to put up our tree this weekend, my mind is on Jack.  I spent many daydreams imagining our first Christmas as a family.  He would be almost 8 months old.  We would get him lots of adorable red and green outfits.  We would take the most precious Christmas card photo anyone had ever seen and send it out to everyone we knew.  I would tell him all about the first two seasons of Downton Abbey, so he would be ready for season three in January. We would take him to Boston on Christmas Eve to meet his Grammy's family and little second cousins.   It was going to be magical.

Those dreams may not be coming true this year but I can rest knowing that Jack is not the one missing out.  He gets to spend his first Christmas with the birthday boy himself, Jesus.  I am sure heaven is the best possible place to be for Christmas.  Can you imagine the birthday party GOD throws for His Son?  I have to imagine that it involves really cute pajamas for all the babies and children.  My prayer now is that God would send me a Christmas card from Jack.  Other people have told me they have dreamed about our baby but I have not....yet.  That dream is my true Christmas wish.