Wince. Pause. Sigh.

Do you ever tell the truth when someone asks you how you are doing?  Today I was struggling so much to put one foot in front of the other, I actually told the truth to a few people.  I am having a terrible day.  I am so sad that I actually feel physically ill.  All I can think about is how much I miss my baby boy.  I am on the verge of tears.  That is the truth.

I woke up this morning feeling deeply sad.  I tried everything I could think of to feel better.  I took a shower.  I made a cup of coffee and sat down to read my daily Bible readings.  I cried out to God and told Him how much my heart was hurting.  I let him know that I needed Him to carry me though the day, step by step.  I let God know how I am really feeling these days.  I figure He knows anyways.  I let Him know that I don't understand His plan or why I have to go through this darkness.  I also let Him know how helpless I am on my own and that I need to be lead through my days.  Then I ask for His guidance and I turn to His Word.  

Today I was reading in Exodus 6 when God was talking to Moses and told him "Moreover, I have heard the groaning of the Israelites, whom the Egyptians are enslaving, and I remembered my covenant."  I swapped out the Israelites for me and the Egyptians for my grief and I was reminded that God can hear my moaning and He cares.  And eventually He will lead me out of this darkness but it will be in His perfect timing.  I feel a lot better knowing that He is still in control as much as he was when He parted the Red Sea for His people.  But knowing all of that did not take away the deep sadness, the heavy weight on my chest that makes it hard to breath, the invisible pressure forcing my face into a frown.

So, I tried something else.  I left the house and went to the bank and to get some coffee.  I thought getting out of the house before work would help change my perspective.  When I was getting coffee I ran into a handful of people I know.  That is the blessing and the curse of living in a very small town.  It is nice when you want to feel known but not so great when you want to be anonymous.  The tough thing for me these days is that people know me enough to know I had a baby but not always well enough to know that he went to heaven almost 2 months ago.  

Like yesterday, I went to drop off our rent and when I handed our check to the leasing agent I got the question.  "So, how is the baby?"  Wince.  Pause. Sigh.  And then I have to tell her that he died almost two months ago.  And her eyes mist up, she apologizes, I feel bad for making her sad and I end up comforting her.  It is the same every time.  Last week I needed to go to the bank but I did not want to go inside and have to make small talk and end up telling them "the news".  So I went through the drive through.  I was sure I would be safe there.  The lovely teller in the window smiles and asks if the baby is in the back seat, could I roll down the window so she could see him?  Wince. Pause. Sigh.  I tell her and she openly cries. And I comfort her.  Ugh.  It was only 8:30 AM.  I had a whole day ahead of me.

Today I ran into a friend whom I hadn't seen in a while, months actually.  She is a nurse at the same hospital where Jack lived the last month of his life.  She didn't see us while we were there but I was able to talk with her and tell her how much we miss our "friends" at the hospital.  We grew so close to the doctors, nurses and therapists that we spent those 31 days with.  They were with us through the most intense period of our lives and they loved our baby boy openly.  I miss them.  She encouraged me to go back and visit them.  There is no way.  Not at this point. I don't even like driving through the city and having to pass the hospital on the side of the tollway.  It hurts too much.  Maybe someday.  Maybe.  I told my friend how I was really doing today.  I talked about Jack's last week.  And I wept.

I went back home and threw myself into my work.  I did everything I could to focus and get through my tasks one at a time.  Grief makes it difficult to concentrate.  I have to be really disciplined to focus on each task and to see projects through.  All the while I am very aware of the weight on my heart and the stomach ache.  I was so sad today it actually made my stomach ache.  I didn't even know that was possible.

This afternoon, I went to my general practitioner for a make up visit.  I had missed my check up back in mid-September.  We were in the hospital.  It was my first time talking to her and she asked me how I was doing.  I told her. I told her how deeply sad I feel and how it affects me physically.  I told her why, what happened, and how my worst fear came to life.  I told the truth.

She sent me for a routine lab workup and when I got to the lab, I was recognized again.  The phlebotomist asked how I was doing today.  I told her that I had had a hard day.  She looked at me sympathetically and had me sit down in the chair for the blood draw.  As she was wrapping the blue bungee around my arm to produce a vein, she asked "How old is your baby now?  Little boy, right?"  Wince.  Sigh.  Pause.  Break the news.  She dropped the bungee, started to cry and held me.  I lost all control and started to weep.  She held me for a while and I was glad for the hug.

I honestly feel like this terrible rain cloud that brings sadness wherever I go.  I make people cry.  I end up comforting them.  Then I go home and cry.  It stinks.  That is probably why I would rather just stay home in my Christmas pajama pants and watch Touched by an Angel with my husband every night.  I love that show.  Every night, someone is going through a hard time, the angels are at work in their life right under their nose.  Then the angel reveals herself and tells the main character how much God loves them.  Their life is changed, everyone is happy and that is that.  

I haven't noticed Della Reese hanging around me yet but every day I am looking for her.  Until I see her, I suppose I just have to keep walking though this grief.  I have to keep feeling my feelings and being honest with people about how I am doing.  And I am going to keep telling God the truth and looking for His response in His Word.  But honestly?  This sinks.