Other People's Baby Whisperer.

We still get baby magazines in the mail.  You know the ones you never signed up for but somehow arrive month after month.  There is Parents, Parenting, Baby Talk, American Baby, all bright and glossy, with happy smiling babies and in my post office box waiting for me.  Can you unsubscribe from a magazine you didn't subscribe to?  I wouldn't want to if I could.

I love snuggling under the covers and pouring over the pages of cheerful advice on food allergies, teething, BPA in baby food, sleep training, and getting along with other moms by not judging their parenting (we need an article to tell us that?).  It has been over three months since I needed to make a parenting decision but still I spend Sunday afternoons hiding under the covers with my magazines, pretending I am going to apply all this knowledge to mothering Jack.

Babies R Us is still sending their mailers with 20% off coupons -let me know if you want me to save them for you.  Each one reminds me of the gift card in my wallet.  We were waiting to spend the generous baby shower gift on a bouncy seat when we got home from the hospital.  We didn't get to buy that bouncer.  Just this week I took that card out of my wallet.  We aren't shopping at baby stores these days.

And then there are the emails...Emails from Gymboree and Old Navy suck me into 30 minutes of looking at baby boy clothes on-line.  I marked Gymboree as Spam but I still see them when I clean out my Spam folder.  I can't quite bring myself to unsubscribe.   Recently, seeing Jack's jeans from this summer on sale for 50% off hit me hard.  We have done such a thorough job of packing away all of Jack's things, that it has started to feel like he was just a dream.  We have pictures of him everywhere, but we were in such a fog this fall, it is just now lifting.  I had a baby.  And then he went to heaven.  What?  Seeing those tiny jeans online reminded me that it has not been that long since my baby was here.  Here in my arms and in our home.  Sigh.  This is real.

Probably the toughest reminders that I cannot seem to dodge are the emails from Baby Center each month, telling me my baby is now 8 months and should be starting to crawl soon.  Yes, he should be.  But our story was not the one we thought it should be.  As many times as I unsubscribe to that monthly email, they keep coming, like a weed.

Even our new puppy Lucy reminds me of our loss.  She is such a cuddly lovebug, I wish Jack could have know her.  I can imagine his joyful giggling as she licks his face.  I can imagine it because last week Lucy and I went and visited our friends' little boy, Oscar.  Oscar was born a couple weeks before Jack and Lucy just loved licking his chubby little face.  It was precious.

When I was pregnant I thought a lot about how fun it was that so many of my friends -at least 8- were having babies within a few months of me.  I daydreamed about them growing up together, play dates, school, scouts, sports, block parties....my biggest concern was if we could move back to the midwest so we could all grow up together.

Now I get to watch those beautiful babies grow up through the miracle of Facebook.  Some days it is really hard to see the photos of them sitting up, getting ready to crawl, growing hair....but I love it just the same.  As much as it hurts to think of what Jack is not doing here on earth, it also reminds me that he was real.  He was here.  He was loved.

The strangest thing has happened since Jack went to heaven, I have developed a magic touch with other people's babies.  I can think of 6 cranky babies that I have been able to lull when nothing else was working for their parents.  It started happening over the holidays when we were visiting friends with babies around Jack's age.  They would start to fuss and I would offer to hold them.  Their mom would say "Oh, she doesn't like new people and this is her fussy time".  I would insist and within about 30 seconds, the baby would be settled and on her way to sleep.

This has happened over and over again.  My friends have started calling me the Baby Whisperer.  As a big fan of Caesar Milan, the dog whisperer, I am honored by this title.  I have always been good with babies, but this seems to be different.  They truly settle almost immediately in my arms.  On Christmas Eve, I was able to take turns holding Josh's cousin's twins who had been born 2 days before Jack in May.  These little darlings were tired and fussy.  At first I wasn't sure I would be able to hold them.  My heart was breaking for the first Christmas we would not spend with Jack and I was feeling something bordering on jealousy for a dear family who have not one but two babies.  But I felt drawn to them, so I hopped up and offered to hold the baby boy.  He had been really worked up but within a minute, he was relaxed and still.   People marveled.  A little bit later, baby girl was giving another auntie a hard time.  I offered my services and she quieted in about 20 seconds.  To be totally honest, as much as I loved holding those little darlings, I did have to step away for  bit.  I walked down the hall, away from the merriment, and wept for a while.  This is not easy.

Even little Oscar relaxed into a snuggle bunny in my arms last week and his moms said he never lets anyone hold him like that.

I am by no means saying that I am doing anything myself that their mothers can't do.  I do have a special hold and bounce move that I can show you sometime but something is different since Jack went to heaven.  I don't think I am imagining this.  Every baby I see seems to smile at me.  Big smiles.  They stop crying and smile.  People have offered explanations for this.  Maybe I have a guardian angel following me around and the babies can see him.  Maybe they have a way of knowing that I am Jack's mama.  I have always thought that babies and children can "see" angles among us until we convince them that they cannot.

I think it is a God thing.  I think He has given me an increased ability to comfort others through my pain.  I pray every single day that God make something beautiful out of this tragedy. That He use me to do His work in other people's lives.  That He use this pain to comfort others.  I believe He is.

So, give me a buzz when your baby is fussy and nothing else is doing the trick.  I will do my best to send her off to sleep.  I still get an emotional "hangover", a sharp pain of missing Jack in my heart, the next day after playing with babies.  It is worth that spike of pain to hold a warm soft bundle of baby and feel the weight in my arms as I bounce from side to side.  That feeling that is just so right, I can't pass it up.

Happy New Year?

2012 was the year my life long dream came true.  

It was also the year my worst nightmare came true.  

All my life I have wanted to be a mom.  I am the oldest of three kids and I loved looking after (bossing around) my brother and sister.  I took the Red Cross babysitting class as soon as I turned 12 and I quickly became a career babysitter.  I took care of kids Friday and Saturday nights of most weekends in junior high and high school.  I was a mother's helper and went on vacation with a family.  People booked me months in advance for New Years Eve.  I am serious. I took care of my college Spanish professor's ninos back when Dora was the new kid on the block.  I was still babysitting when I was in my mid-twenties before I moved to Chicago.  I have been practicing to be a mom all my life.  I did not particularly want to be anything professional other than a mom.  Which is probably why I majored in Art History, I enjoyed it and was not too worried about a career.  When I was nearing the end of college, single as they come, I started to get nervous that I may have to come up with a Plan B.

Nine years after college graduation, I finally got the job I wanted.  In May, I became Jack's mommy! I threw myself into the job and although it was much more intensive than babysitting, I think I was pretty good.  It helps that I have an amazing husband.  Besides being my best friend, he is an exceptional hands on father. We had a lot of love in our little house this summer.  Not much sleep but a lot of snuggles, kisses and singing.

When Jack went home to heaven in October, my worst nightmare had come true.  Losing Jack was the worst thing I could imagine.  It still is.  And in some way, that is a gift.  I have experienced such excruciating heartache, I don't fear much anymore.  What could hurt worse than losing your baby before he even reaches 5 months in your arms?  The end of the world?  Nope, not scared.  Actually looking forward to it, since I know where I am going and that Jack would be waiting for me.  Truth be told, I was kind of bummed when December 21st came and went.  Part of me was hoping I'd see Jack again that day.  

I have also really let go of my fear of judgement from my peers.  I have done quite a bit of emotional eating lately and before Christmas, I was the highest weight I have ever been.  The "pre-Jack" me would have been worried about what people were thinking about me; friends, family, strangers.  Today, I really do not care.  I am sure people are thinking about their own problems and not my pants size.  That is a freedom for me.

Before Jack I used to be much more guarded about my faith.  With church friends, I would talk openly about what God was doing in my life or how I draw strength from reading the Bible.  I would sling along to Christian radio and share devotional emails.  But with my family and other friends, I was much more subdued.  I did not want people to think I was a "Jesus Freak" or "Super Christian" or a general weirdo.  I did not want to make anyone uncomfortable by talking about how Jesus has saved me from my sins by dying on the cross.  But when Jack left this world, all of that changed too.

A piece of me is now in heaven.

Heaven is never more real than when your baby is there waiting for you.  I am on fire for God.  The God who made the whole universe and each one of us in it.  He loves us all so much.  He loves Jack so much, he brought him home before he suffered anymore in our earthly hospitals.  And he loves me enough to comfort and strengthen me during the most difficult 3 months of my life.  He has shown me love though my devoted husband, loving parents and in-laws, siblings, friends, neighbors, church family, work family and even strangers.  I want to shout out to anyone who will listen that God is real.  Jesus is real.  And heaven is absolutely real.  What a gift to have a faith that is immeasurably stronger than ever before.

On the last day of 2012, Josh took our dog Nikki to be put down.  We are not sure how old she was because we rescued her 18 months ago and she was in really rough shape then.  We gave her a loving home for the end of her life and then we had to make the incredibly difficult decision to relieve her of her pain.  It took a month of talking about it until we knew it was time.  Looking back, it was an appropriate end to a very difficult year.  I wish I could say I am glad 2012 is over but when I think about it, I don't want to shut the door on the year I became Jack's mom.  I want to keep it alive, even with all the pain.  And the pain is with me, I cried so hard in the car today that I actually washed one contact out of my eye with tears.

But the new year has given me a new sense of hope, as well.  I have a verse taped to my computer monitor.

"This is the day the LORD has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it."

Psalm 118:24

I find I have an easier time seeing the joy in my day when I exercise, get some sun and eat well.  Go figure.  That was the exact advice we were given in a packet from the hospital the day we left without our son.  It seemed unreasonable to expect us to do any of those things then.  Our son was gone.  Why bother?  But today we are bothering and it helps a lot.  I don't do those things every day but when I do, I feel better.

The other joy maker in our lives came to us this last Saturday and has brought more laughter in three days than we have had in the last three months combined.  Lucy is a 4 month old goldendoodle.  She is a snuggle bug with tons of energy and she gets me outside and keeps me moving.  She makes me laugh all day long with her antics around the house.  She laid right across our laps like a heating pad while we watched Downton Abbey.  She brings life back into our quiet home.  I know God had a hand in bringing us just the right pup.  I wish Jack had been here to play with her but I have a feeling he knows about Lucy and is glad his mommy and daddy are smiling again.  

People have been telling me they feel good things coming this year for Josh and me.  I would like to say that I do too.  I have learned not to get my heart set on my plan though.  Today I am praying that God's will be done in my life and that he use me to help others.  I found out that another little boy from our area went to meet Jesus today.  All I can think of is his mommy.  I wish I could give her a hug.  I pray that God will use my pain to comfort her some day.  If 2013 brings good things from Jack's short life, then it will be a very happy new year.