Happy New Year?

2012 was the year my life long dream came true.  

It was also the year my worst nightmare came true.  

All my life I have wanted to be a mom.  I am the oldest of three kids and I loved looking after (bossing around) my brother and sister.  I took the Red Cross babysitting class as soon as I turned 12 and I quickly became a career babysitter.  I took care of kids Friday and Saturday nights of most weekends in junior high and high school.  I was a mother's helper and went on vacation with a family.  People booked me months in advance for New Years Eve.  I am serious. I took care of my college Spanish professor's ninos back when Dora was the new kid on the block.  I was still babysitting when I was in my mid-twenties before I moved to Chicago.  I have been practicing to be a mom all my life.  I did not particularly want to be anything professional other than a mom.  Which is probably why I majored in Art History, I enjoyed it and was not too worried about a career.  When I was nearing the end of college, single as they come, I started to get nervous that I may have to come up with a Plan B.

Nine years after college graduation, I finally got the job I wanted.  In May, I became Jack's mommy! I threw myself into the job and although it was much more intensive than babysitting, I think I was pretty good.  It helps that I have an amazing husband.  Besides being my best friend, he is an exceptional hands on father. We had a lot of love in our little house this summer.  Not much sleep but a lot of snuggles, kisses and singing.

When Jack went home to heaven in October, my worst nightmare had come true.  Losing Jack was the worst thing I could imagine.  It still is.  And in some way, that is a gift.  I have experienced such excruciating heartache, I don't fear much anymore.  What could hurt worse than losing your baby before he even reaches 5 months in your arms?  The end of the world?  Nope, not scared.  Actually looking forward to it, since I know where I am going and that Jack would be waiting for me.  Truth be told, I was kind of bummed when December 21st came and went.  Part of me was hoping I'd see Jack again that day.  

I have also really let go of my fear of judgement from my peers.  I have done quite a bit of emotional eating lately and before Christmas, I was the highest weight I have ever been.  The "pre-Jack" me would have been worried about what people were thinking about me; friends, family, strangers.  Today, I really do not care.  I am sure people are thinking about their own problems and not my pants size.  That is a freedom for me.

Before Jack I used to be much more guarded about my faith.  With church friends, I would talk openly about what God was doing in my life or how I draw strength from reading the Bible.  I would sling along to Christian radio and share devotional emails.  But with my family and other friends, I was much more subdued.  I did not want people to think I was a "Jesus Freak" or "Super Christian" or a general weirdo.  I did not want to make anyone uncomfortable by talking about how Jesus has saved me from my sins by dying on the cross.  But when Jack left this world, all of that changed too.

A piece of me is now in heaven.

Heaven is never more real than when your baby is there waiting for you.  I am on fire for God.  The God who made the whole universe and each one of us in it.  He loves us all so much.  He loves Jack so much, he brought him home before he suffered anymore in our earthly hospitals.  And he loves me enough to comfort and strengthen me during the most difficult 3 months of my life.  He has shown me love though my devoted husband, loving parents and in-laws, siblings, friends, neighbors, church family, work family and even strangers.  I want to shout out to anyone who will listen that God is real.  Jesus is real.  And heaven is absolutely real.  What a gift to have a faith that is immeasurably stronger than ever before.

On the last day of 2012, Josh took our dog Nikki to be put down.  We are not sure how old she was because we rescued her 18 months ago and she was in really rough shape then.  We gave her a loving home for the end of her life and then we had to make the incredibly difficult decision to relieve her of her pain.  It took a month of talking about it until we knew it was time.  Looking back, it was an appropriate end to a very difficult year.  I wish I could say I am glad 2012 is over but when I think about it, I don't want to shut the door on the year I became Jack's mom.  I want to keep it alive, even with all the pain.  And the pain is with me, I cried so hard in the car today that I actually washed one contact out of my eye with tears.

But the new year has given me a new sense of hope, as well.  I have a verse taped to my computer monitor.

"This is the day the LORD has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it."

Psalm 118:24

I find I have an easier time seeing the joy in my day when I exercise, get some sun and eat well.  Go figure.  That was the exact advice we were given in a packet from the hospital the day we left without our son.  It seemed unreasonable to expect us to do any of those things then.  Our son was gone.  Why bother?  But today we are bothering and it helps a lot.  I don't do those things every day but when I do, I feel better.

The other joy maker in our lives came to us this last Saturday and has brought more laughter in three days than we have had in the last three months combined.  Lucy is a 4 month old goldendoodle.  She is a snuggle bug with tons of energy and she gets me outside and keeps me moving.  She makes me laugh all day long with her antics around the house.  She laid right across our laps like a heating pad while we watched Downton Abbey.  She brings life back into our quiet home.  I know God had a hand in bringing us just the right pup.  I wish Jack had been here to play with her but I have a feeling he knows about Lucy and is glad his mommy and daddy are smiling again.  

People have been telling me they feel good things coming this year for Josh and me.  I would like to say that I do too.  I have learned not to get my heart set on my plan though.  Today I am praying that God's will be done in my life and that he use me to help others.  I found out that another little boy from our area went to meet Jesus today.  All I can think of is his mommy.  I wish I could give her a hug.  I pray that God will use my pain to comfort her some day.  If 2013 brings good things from Jack's short life, then it will be a very happy new year.